Problem page

Who's the best expert on the problems of young people in care?

Our agony aunt Suzie Hayman always has thoughtful advice to offer, and has loads of knowledge about the sorts of problems young people in care can face. On the other hand, the people who understand most about life in care are often other young people in care themselves.   

These pages bring you and Suzie together. Some of these problems can be zapped to oblivion with good advice, for others there's no one right answer.  

Choose a problem, read Suzie's advice and then add your own thoughts in the comments box at the bottom of this page.  Maybe you've had a similar problem and can offer useful tips about what helped you sort it out. We'll publish the best suggestions.  

Have you got a problem that you'd like to have included here? Email problems@thewhocarestrust.org.uk. 

We are really sorry but because we are a small charity we are not able to send a personal, private reply to every email we receive. This may change in the future if we get more funding to let us do more stuff with this website! But for the moment, we choose from the problem letters we receive and put ones on this website which we think young people in care visiting this site will particularly relate to and find helpful to read about.

Anxiety attacks

My mouth runs away with itself

Dad abused me 

Too drunk to care

School's out 

Comments

1. Charlotte says:

   Hi, Recently I have had a really bad problem and because of it my foster placement has become a nightmare. We are always having an arguement over silly things, even though they are not to do with it. I'v tried everything to make it work, but I never managed it. I need your help urgently. I need to make it work or else it will become a bigger nighmare.

2. Suzie Hayman, agony aunt says:

   You’ve not given me much to go on! What problem? What arguments? What have you tried? The big problem with constant argument is that often you can’t find a resolution to them because what you’re arguing about isn't really what’s bothering you. You argue about what time you go to bed, whether you’ve done homework, who your friends are. And really the real problem is “I miss my family and I think it’s all my fault.” I don’t know whether the big problem is sex or drugs or rock and roll, or being bullied or bullying, or what. And I don’t know what you’ve tried. I wish I could sweep in with a magic wand and make it right. I can’t, I’m sad to say. What I can do is ay that it sounds to me as if the one thing that hasn’t been tried here is for you and your foster carers to sit down with a caring and experienced mediator to find out what’s bothering you, what you want and need and what your carers could do once they know what is the problem. rnrnDo you have a key worker? If you do and trust them, ask them to arrange this. If not, do you have a teacher or youth worker you can trust to ask them to arrange a meeting with counsellor or mediator? If you can’t think of anyone you know who could help, call the National Youth Advocacy Service on freephone 0800 61 61 01 and they will find you someone. Good luck!

3. Charlotte says:

   Hi, when I have contact with my family I get really horrible towards my carers. They try and help me to deal with not seeing them but nothing works. I just throw it back in their faces. I don't mean to do it but sometimes I can't help it. My problem is that i dnt know weather to keep in contact or not. I want to because I feel alone but I don't because it effects me. Help

4. Suzie Hayman, agony aunt says:

   Hi Charlotte. You get horrible towards your carers for two very good reasons. One is that seeing your family makes you feel upset. Of course it does - you’re angry and confused and simply wishing those feelings away won’t make them vanish. You say nothing works – but what would work is recognising that you have every right to these emotions and that it takes time to deal with such powerful feelings. The second reason you throw everything back in your carers faces is because….you trust them. Sounds odd? All of us do the same thing, Charlotte; we kick out at the people who love us and we can trust to forgive us. You don’t feel safe in shouting at your family because your link with them is risky. So you shout at the people you think will forgive you. rnrn rnrnMy advice would be to get some help, for you and your carers, in dealing with your anger. You need to work out what triggers it and when and how, and then work out bit by bit what you can do to make it more manageable. Your social worker or someone at your school may be able to suggest someone to talk to. And when you feel you can manage the emotions flying around when you see them, then you can decide whether to keep in touch with your family or not.